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Mental Health

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Logical:
Hi it's Logical,

I have visited a couple of forums here and have read responses to mental health and suicide and missing persons and a few nerves were hit and twitching, thus to not respond with such off topic information and to educate some readers on mental health I am starting this thread.

Please correct me if your experiences differ and I am inaccurate for the majority of sufferers, I am a daughter to a diagnosed, schizophrenia, then bipolar, then manic depressive, now clinically depressed mother. Through the last 30 years these were the different diagnosis she was given and medicated for.

Her story is like Many another, born in the late 30's put into foster care, told her mother was epileptic and could not care for her.  Lived with one family whole life as foster child so parents could collect government cheque. They loved her the best they knew how. She became pregnant at 17 and was sent up north of Timmins to a home for unwed mothers and with no choice to keep her child was drugged and forced to sign over all her rights to the child. She returned to Toronto and was forbidden ( made to be ashamed ) to discuss the baby, or her birth mother at 18 government cheques stop and she is adopted by her foster parents so she may marry with the foster family name.

She marries my father for the most part a very good man, he has his issues but not as severe. Moved to Quebec for his job and bares 3 children in a province that she does not speak the language. Then moved to south Ontario
 in 70's to a rural property.

My father knew of the child but did not know that she too was adopted, I found out this information when we took my mother to a hospital when she finally could not bottle up all of her fears anymore, she woke me up at 2am stating that my father was trying to kill us, we crawled out my bedroom window and ran to our neighbors, woke them up and went inside. I was 17, and when she woke me and told me I believed her, not that my father had EVER given any vibe to hurt us, he did not even spanking us and is such a gentle soul, but her fear was real and it was not a joke, my mother is a fraud of heights and she wanted us out on the roof, I knew something serious was happening.

She told me not to tell my father, she knew I would and I did, this was the first time we saw she was ill.

Her thoughts were so dark, eerie, scary and illogical not in reality at all. I happened to be entering college taking the social service worker program and many of my classes helped me to not judge her, but that took time to get there because I too had many misconceptions of mental health issues, my emotions and my own selfishness were what I was dealing with, she was not being selfish at all, she was living in hell!

In the beginning of her getting treatment we were not aware of her carrying guilt for her mother , father or her mothers, fathers family to not want to raise her, for her foster family not loving her enough to adopt her earlier in life but parade her around as their own, told not to tell anyone she was adopted as they would not love her that people will think she was tossed out with the trash, used goods. Then to also learn I had a half sister she knew nothing about and was also told not to tell anyone as they will know she is a poor unwanted slut.

We lived a half hour from the closet towns, secluded on an acre of land, had few neighbors and my mother went through periods of time that she would seclude herself off and be zoned out, this was normal for us, our father was busy building our house, he did all electrical, plumbing and walls etc, he is quite they handy man it was only when her adoptive mother died that she had the "nervous breakdown" her adoptive father died many years before. This is when the roller coaster started, including in and out of mental institutions, moving to a cottage on an island further distancing herself from people, attempted suicide, self medication with alcohol, trying to do it without any drugs, taking hormone treatment you name it she tried it.

I still lived at home my brother was away at university my sister had moved out and was married with a new born child.

I was very angry at her in the very beginning, she was embarrassing me like she had all my life over protective of me around boys. I had to alter plans and come home early one weekend as my dad had to go to work he had already taken six weeks off work and was going in at night to catch up while I was in school, I was required home when he could not be, she was so low and weird we were not to leave her alone. I still can clearly remember riding home on the bus angry that she was just trying to get attention because everything she said made no sense at all, why would you be responsible for a plane crash in China? How could no one love you, I love you? But hate you now too, I thought gee if you are going to be such a bummer like this for the rest of my life why don't you just end it yourself.

My father had to pick me up at the bus station, when we returned home she was passed out on the couch, the bottle of pills my dad just had filled was empty on the floor, she had read my mind.

Thankfully my mother was okay, pumped stomach, and my father had the wisdom to stop me from carrying my guilt of my thought, he said I was human, a young maturing adult and that this was a huge interruption to my teen years, that he was sorry that I was going to mature very quickly now.  He said you know that this is an illness and this is not who your mother is, he said I must try to listen and have patience.

I have done so ever since but my siblings did not, they never lived with her, I did for the next ten years, they still thought she was faking it and looking for attention, a bitch, a control freak, everything you can think of.

Over the years I listened in her darkest hours and felt the pain she was suffering and could not believe she did not see how strong she really was, she was a survivor, my heart grew bigger for her then, I no longer was angry with some of her past and what my relatives had done to her, so much made sense to me then.

When my half sister found us mother was in her late sixty's it was not good, all her pain and guilt came to surface but close to ten years later she is depression controlled and has not had any lows that take her back to the pain she stores. My brother and sister now believe it is an illness and that she did need treatment and was not looking for attention. 

You see we all (my brother, sister, half sister ) have issues with abandonment and love as well, our mother was detached living ingreif for so long she could not provide the loving environment we needed, she had no clue what one was. I realized this many years ago, my sister in her fifties is just starting to forgive our mother, trust me family secrets, indiscretions adoptin etc. Ruin your physcy and most often result in depression symptoms or alcoholism. I am not much of a drinker but all my siblings and father drink far more than is healthy or required everyone has some buried feelings of resentment or lack of caring, non of us are close now all in different cities hours apart, communicate for special occasions. It is sad what secrets can do, adoption is required but much more education is needed for adopting parents, you need to accept this child will either be rebellious or a pleaser. Either way they know you are not really their mother, said allowd or not if they are a pleaser, they want to make sure they do not upset you and want to send them away like their mother did, if rebellious, they believe that you will send them away at some point, I am not going to get to like it here and try to give you a reason to not like or love them, proving to oneself they are not worthy.  Children of families in adoption can get some of this too, My dad and I are the pleaser and brother and sisters are rebellious.



People need to understand that many depression sufferers start out like my mom, feeling unloved, unworthy, ashamed, alone, unlovable. Her diet was terrible so she was not getting the vitamins she needed to keep positive thinking, most depressed are not hungry and can go four hours if not days with very little to eat.

I believe that the ignorant, uneducated people who post responses not only here but on blogs as well are afraid of what they do not know nor understand.

Mental health issues are chemical imbalances. They do not need to be adressed as crazy, schitzo, phsyco etc.
These are people that are loved cared about and can be normal with positive support.

Nasty immature comments only add credence to the sufferers and enforce their lack of confidence, that they are no good not worth it etc. They are worth it and if you do not agree I do not think you are worth it.

Please people before you write that a suicide victim was selfish and anyone attempting suicide is only thinking of themselves, stop, think about how desperate one must feel that ending their life is the only solution, human instinct is very hard to overcome and survival is our human instinct. These people feel that they are a burden to ones they love, or have such deep dark horrible thoughts that living day in and day out with them is no life at all, and living strung out on the drugs they prescribe is not better, they become zombies.

Wow, did not expect all that to come out, just tired of hearing comments that are hurtful, not one person suffering depression wants to feel like crap and hate themselves, seriously think about it, ever had a bad day, multiply by a million and you will feel their weight they carry. thanks for listening.

Logical



 
 

eyeswideopen:
Logical I want to thank you for putting that out there.  Your story on your family life, I am sure will perhaps others to cop with such issues they may be dealing with.  you are a very strong person with a total sense of fairness as is evident in you posting.  I too agree that people who do not live with , or do not live with some one they love who is living it can be way to judgemental and not understand what that person is going through.  Thank for putting this out and letting the world see how mental health is a real illness not something to be attacked or judged just because you dont suffer from it.  Your a strong person and I am sure you Mother was very happy that she had your understanding in the end.

debbiec:
Thank you for sharing your very personal story, Logical. Hopefully it will help us to gain a new understanding and not be so quick to judge.

Nish:
Hi Logical,

Great post. Well worded and informative from a personal standpoint. Just what is needed, IMO.

I have been contemplating putting something similar up about my travels through the fun fair that is PTSD, and have found Debbie very supportive, BTW, but as of yet haven't been able to muster the courage to put it all down for others to read. Some might laugh at this, but I can be shy :o

Anyhoo, kudos to you for taking the step. It is not an easy one.

Nish

Concerned:
Logical,

Thanks for the very personal and compassionate window into the world of loving someone special with mental illness. That was very nice of you to share. It allows us to see another perspective on life with mental illness.  Again, thank you.

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